Birth Small Talk

Talking about birth

Taking up space

Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash

A memory came back to me recently. I was in my teens, standing with my hands on my hips and my elbows out. My mother came up behind me, tapped me on both elbows and told me I was taking up too much room and to put my arms down. I remember this happening multiple times over the years. I still sometimes find myself taking up this pose, then becoming aware that I am taking up space and dropping my arms.

The trigger for this memory came as I (re)read Rebecca Solnit’s essay “If I Were a Man” in her 2019 book “Whose Story Is This? Old Conflicts, New Chapters.” The essay is available via the Guardian if you want to read it yourself. Speaking of the space women occupy in the world, Solnit posed the question:

How do you think big when you’re supposed to not get in the way, not overstep your welcome, not overshadow or intimidate?

Solnit’s question left me wondering about the myriad of ways in which I have been (and continue to be) enculturated to believe that I don’t deserve to take up space: whether that is physical space, or having a voice, or power to impact on the trajectory of my own – and others – lives. Who would I be if I hadn’t internalised those messages to take up less room than the people around me? Who might I become if I move beyond my self imposed restrictions?

Photo by Dale de Vera on Unsplash

I recall the buzz among some of my female friends when the 2017 Wonder Woman movie was released. (I can’t help but notice that Wonder Woman was also quite fond of standing with her hands on her hips). One friend commented to me that she felt powerful as she emerged from the cinema, an unfamiliar experience, and wondered if this was what men felt like after most films they watched. Her statement led me to think about the impact that the media I was consuming might have on my sense of self and I began being more critical of the choices I was making.

Ever since I have adopted a set of guidelines which shape my choices when it comes to the movies and TV shows that I invest my time on. You might be familiar with the Bechdel test. My rule of thumb is that the lead protagonist must be a woman and her role in the narrative must be more than simply to support the storyline of the men around her as they work to achieve success. Wow, did that immediately narrow down the field dramatically! (Check out the Icelandic movie Woman at War for a great example of something that made the cut.)

More recently I have started to exclude options where the woman is portrayed as a sort of hapless fool, who bumbles through life having series of “adventures” caused by her own ineptness. There are many wonderful and enjoyable entries into this category (Rosehaven, Shrill, and Fleabag among them). However, I can’t help but notice how often this trope is used to give creators a reason to tell a story about a woman who chooses a life other than the “traditional” roles women are meant to pursue – love interest for a man, wife, mother. Only the “crazy cat ladies” are given licence to live interesting lives. That doesn’t leave much hope for women crafting interesting lives centred around our own competence to see ourselves reflected on the screen.

I long for more examples of women making decisions and seeing them through. Of women being successful and powerful. Bonus points if the protagonist is a woman of colour, has a disability, and is not neurotypical or straight. I dare you to scroll through the list of movies and series available to you on whatever platform you subscribe to and see what proportion of offerings remain. Why is it that successful women do not appear at least as often in movies centred around them as men do?

Feel free to add suggestions for anything you have watched recently that might fit the requirements. And make sure that at least once today you go stand with your hands on your hips for as long as you like. You (and I) are hereby permitted to take up enough space to live our best lives.

Categories: Feminism, Reflections

Tags: , , ,

8 replies

  1. I recommend Workin Moms (netflix) funny, sassy and feminist


  2. yes yes yes… I made a decision in 1980’s to occupy space too..My nursing notes were written giving little regard for the convention of the ruled lines. I left space between the lines of writing and I signed using as much space as I could comfortably achieve……. nurses notes, jut take a look… I think you will get the point.. However today with computers ‘policing’ the scope of note taking we need to find another way of taking up space…


    • I think the BBC series Call the Midwife (now in year 12) passes Bechdel Test in spades. Centering on the domestic space, with strong female characters & stories, tremendous realism (if you read Jen Worth’s memoirs or had parents working as doctors in late 1950s London’s East end as I did) and plenty of ‘hands on hips’! Maybe your readers will all have been weaned on this series anyway, but I was ‘too busy’ to watch TV at all until covid!


  3. Hi, I’ve only just discovered your blogs but thought I’d jump in here. Certainly great to have your hands on your hips. I’m finding I’m doing this more over time and feel sure you will be as well. On movies – a long time favourite has been Love and Anarchy, must say the main character is a man, but apart from him pretty much all are women, strong, feisty and passionate. The director the first woman to be nominated for an Oscar, Italian Lina Wertmuller, another woman out there doing things. I have to say I hated Wonder Woman, all they did was replace the stereotype hero/leader with a woman, such a cop out I thought. I went along knowing I would probably be disappointed but hoping for so much more. The main character in the Danish series Borgen is a woman with children and by the way a Prime Minister who manages difficult circumstances, something like Julia Gillard when she was PM – nice to see. Cheers


  4. I recommend the series Unbelieveable (I watch it on Netflix). Tough subject matter (rape) and based on a true story (which makes it even harder), but absolutely brilliantly acted, sensitive and cleverly explores the ‘space’ women have to carve out for themselves.



  1. Writing about ideas – Birth Small Talk

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